you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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