i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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