K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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