I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
