Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
