You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
