I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
