I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
