I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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