the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
