and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
