I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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