Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
