Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
