I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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