advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
