What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
