i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
