My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
