i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
