Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
