I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
