dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
