i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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