How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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