Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
