Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
