I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
