my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
