I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
