She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We had sex on a dog bed..
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
