This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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