Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
