Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I have fence marks all over my body
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
