Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I came so hard my ears popped.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
