That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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