you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
