just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
