So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
