Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
