Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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