Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He kissed a someone with a penis
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
