I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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