Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
