Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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