Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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