I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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