dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I lost the right to judge tonight
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
