im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
