i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
