we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
